“ Is My Mom a Narcissist?” Understanding the Patterns of Emotional Abuse
My mom is a narcissist! That would make for an interesting movie title, for it is mostly in movies we have heard children and young adults say this. In real life, not many kids would complain about their mothers. The reasons are not hard to comprehend. Motherhood as a concept is held in adulation. Whether it is in Europe, Asia, or America, mothers are venerated and worshiped. As a symbol of love and sacrifice, a mother can do nothing wrong, especially when it comes to her kids.
Also when they are young and incapable of making decisions independently, kids are in awe of their parents. They represent the authority figure and are respected and feared in equal measure. Hence, in real life, we do not get kids who complain about narcissistic moms.
But in the movies, children are more precocious and can comprehend the pattern of narcissistic behavior even if it is disguised under layers of complicated love and hate relationships. Sadly, while maternal bonds prevent the child from seeing the entire picture, these are constrictive as well. Unknowingly or knowingly narcissistic parents are capable of causing a lot of damage to a child’s emotional, social, and psychological well-being. Therefore it becomes necessary to be aware of the patterns of narcissistic behavior. This way young adults and teens can prevent themselves from being gaslighted or being forced to partake in their parent’s charade.
Defining the Narcissist Mom:
Who can be defined as a narcissistic mom? Women compared to men are generally more obsessed with their looks – which is not bad because to look beautiful and well-dressed is not a bad thing at all. It can be a positive reinforcement for children and make them want to be neat, tidy, and well-dressed at all times. It does not turn them into a narcissist. However, when the obsession with looks borders on the obsessive and results in arrogance it is not good. It stops one from being a parent that the child can trust. As children are vulnerable, the parent must provide them with an emotional security blanket. A narcissist cannot do that.
Narcissism is not just a trait it is a mental health condition:
Today, narcissism has been classified as a mental health condition. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition. The most classic sign of narcissism is an obsession with looks. However, it is not just limited to obsession with good looks. NPD can also be displayed by one who obsesses about their intelligence, charisma, artistic, and athletic abilities, and wants that to be the subject of conversation even if it costs them snide remarks and immense unpopularity. Narcissistic mothers would win any unpopularity contest in a school. However, it is unlikely that they would accept the results of such a contest because they would find it hard to believe that they are not liked. Narcissistic traits are not limited to looks only. Some narcissistic parents could be obsessed with their wealth, power, athletic capabilities, and success.
Statistics and How Culture Promotes Narcissistic Parents:
Narcissism is not a common mental health condition because it is difficult to assess the condition – many people hide narcissistic beliefs or behaviors (informally known as “covert narcissism”), but research indicates that 0.5% to 5% of Americans could be living with NPD.
It is more likely for your mom to display narcissistic traits if she was a single child and was highly pampered. For example, If as the only child, your grandparents were overprotective of your mother and fulfilled her every whim. If they saw no flaw in her, then their parenting style was responsible for converting a young person into a narcissistic personality type.
Remember disciplining kids is necessary. If they are bullies or arrogant, they must be dealt with strictly, otherwise. One must not put a child on a pedestal (just because she is pretty, or brilliant). Then they would only end up creating a monster and a highly unpopular and mean person.
The culture of individualism and personal independence are also responsible for furthering narcissistic personality types. While these are good traits to incorporate during the growing up years, parents must also encourage children to display empathy, compassion, and acceptance.
Narcissism and Emotional Abuse:
In whatever form narcissism exists, it is not healthy for a growing child. They could develop an inferiority complex, or even become a mirror of their mother in the later years. Hence, provided below are some of the signs of a narcissistic personality.
My mom is a narcissist! Looking for the signs of a narcissistic parent
Some of the signs of narcissistic behavior include having grandiose visions, being self-absorbed, whiny, arrogant, and demanding, For example, as her child, here are a few signs that the mother is a narcissist and could need help.
She is constantly talking about herself and her achievements. While parents sometimes tend to exaggerate things to spur their children to greater heights, a narcissistic mother is responsible for the development of an inferiority complex and other personality issues in the child.
They never acknowledge the good work done by their kids, They forget their accomplishments or do not consider it good enough which again could result in the child feeling abandoned and hurt.
Furthermore, they lack empathy and compassion and will go to any degree to get what they want. They are ready to risk all for their sweet selves.
They are never ready to take the blame, even when they are wrong. They have the sense of entitlement that they are special.
A narcissistic mother would often say, “You owe me this.” to make their kids fall in tune with what they want them to do. They could pretend to be the victim or showcase how they have been the reason for the child’s existence. They can stoop as low as to make the child feel guilty.
A narcissistic mom often lies she could say something like your father and I think that, even when the father is nowhere in the picture. By criticizing the child she gains a sense of self-worth. sense of unease and dependence.
Narcissistic parents whether it is a mother or a father are untrustworthy. So it is essential to not only be aware of the tricks they play with you mentally but to toughen mentally as well so that one is in a position to fend off unnecessary attacks.
Here’s how one can do it!
Dealing with a narcissistic mother
If you feel you have been affected by any of these traits, here are some things you can try to cope with having a narcissistic mother:
Learn to fight back: Do not be passive! Fulfilling every narcissistic wish only makes them stronger. Once you have identified the trait, do not allow your narcissistic mom to make you weak by feeding on your guilt or making you feel inferior. Instead, learn to fight back with words and facts.
Recognize when she is being deceitful: Your mom will try and make you feel guilty. She could fall back on her usual ruse, “You owe it to me,” but understand that you owe her nothing, she failed as a mother if she could not give you the security blanket you needed. Do not allow her to deceive you.
Learn to let go: There would be many things in the past that could come back to haunt you. The best way to deal with the hurt and pain your narcissistic mom caused you is by letting go and learning to accept things. Even though she was mean, she is still your mom, and when she needs help be sure to be there.
Help with therapy: Once their power diminishes, narcissists become lonely people. They could turn to opioids or alcohol and become dependent on these. They could also develop a mental health condition – anxiety, bipolar personality, and Body dysmorphic disorder. In each of these instances, they could require therapy. There are also instances where they become suicidal, be sure be be around and provide them the help they need.
Be grateful: Often people who have had a bad childhood due to bad parenting become bitter as adults. Do not fall into that trap. Be grateful for the small things. That will help one get through the worst of times. Also, lean on people who are there – father, stepfather, siblings, aunt and uncle – and friends – anyone, even support groups to keep mental health problems at bay.
If you ever feel your safety or mental health is at risk, it may be necessary to keep your distance altogether, read books to understand this condition, and maybe get help from a caring therapist.
